In India, I spend every minute in fear - every time I expect something awful will happen. Even by a slight sound, I startle. Actually I myself cannot be blamed for that. My surroundings is like that. I shiver seeing the people around me. I feel I have been under constant watch by everyone. Even at close door I know these people are watching me, listening to every thought of mine. The moment I think about this, I feel a tremendous agony, and anger against these people. Even from a servant to anybody around me, will see through me and will get fun out of me, this very thought is hurting my feelings everyday. Unfortunately nobody in this 'planet' is like me. Everybody can lead a normal life, but I can't. Wherever I go, these people play a strange game with me. They play with my thoughts, my dreams, they play with my feelings - an intolerable situation from which I won't be able to come out. I don't know why I am the only person who has been created like this, whom everybody will try to handle, everything seems to me very mysterious to me. Why all the people around are after me! Why every people even from a beggar to a rich person are blessed with the power of reading my mind, seeing through me! And this is the most annoying when I realised I don't have any right to privacy. I don't have anything to conceal, I can't have anything confidential - sometimes I feel breathless - I sit alone to get the consolation that nobody is reading my mind. I have been living for a long time in this city of Calcutta among these mad, strange people, very powerful people and I don't know how I long I have to live with them! Perhaps I have come to this 'planet' by accident. Perhaps I would belong to another 'planet' where every people communicate with each other mentally. I am a misfit in this 'planet'.
I still remember those days - those horrible days! How cruel, ugly, devilish the people of this city Calcutta can be! That was the year 1985. I joined an automobile company (I am still with them - they have become a leading automobile company now). That was the start. In those days, the moment I would come out of my office or my home, and the moment I would board any bus or any other public transports, the people would run with ugly cruel smile in their face and would board the same bus I would board - they would make it artificially crowded making my life almost miserable, at that time I would wish if I had a car! Though I would work in an automobile company, they did not give me any facility or extend any slightest help so that I could buy a car as per my limit. These people's stupid comments, nasty joke, abusive remarks against me would hurt me a lot. Men - women, children - old all people would attack me together viciously. I would even fear to look at these people face. The wrath, hatred, cruelty I had seen in their eyes, I still shiver remembering them - how horrible! They would spit seeing me, they would kick a stray dog as if they were kicking me. I would watch in silence. Wherever I would go, some people would shout "Usko Bhagawan banaya -hi hi", a nasty smile was in their face. (She was made God). That time I was too polite, dumb type - couldn't protest at that brutal behaviour of the people of this city - Calcutta (India). I didn't or still I don't know why these people were behaving like that. If these people were familiar to me or if I would do any harm to them, then there could be any reason of such hatred! But I didn't know why all the people of this city were after me - how could all the people of a city could treat me like that! What have I done? In India wherever I went the picture is same. But the Calcuttans are the worst. From those days, I started to hate India. All that these Indians had done for me, what else I can give them only hatred - hatred for the whole nation. I couldn't go anywhere - if I would go these nightmarish people would come after me shouting abusive language. I can describe one situation here. One day I was going to meet a gentleman, in the lift there was a dirty nasty looking people. Suddenly that person started to shout pointing at me 'rendi'. (In Hindi language 'rendi' means 'prostitute'). Actually I didn't mind because in India there are innumerable dirty minded people live and I am accustomed to get such behaviour. I can't expect anything better from them. I was born in India, I have seen only India and I have not seen the rest of the world, so I can tell only about India. In this world there are good and bad people co-exist. I am not expecting this 'planet' will be a like a paradise - only good people will exist, then why there are so many violence, murder, etc happen everyday in this planet'. But in my case, the whole nation is my enemy. Naturally I should have the feeling of hatred for whole nation. The people who I didn't know, did no harm, how can they treat me like that, how can they become my enemy. Why are they giving me so much importance - a meek weak minded person like me! In the year 1990, I wrote a letter to a particular foreign embassy seeking shelter in that foreign country. The situation at that time was such that I wanted to escape from India. They didn't reply or didn't do anything for me, but the situation somewhat improved after writing this letter.
The same attitude I had seen among the employees of the automobile company I have been working so long! They would also pass nasty remarks, I would get the same treatment I was getting outside. Their nasty stupid joke I couldn't digest. The authority of this company had delayed my promotion - where any other employee would get promotion in due time, mine was delayed. Company policies are made targeting my 'level' so that I can be deprived of any benefit.
I have used past tense in every paragraph I had written above. After enduring such tremendous mental torture and provocation, I realised that if I would continue to tolerate all these loathesome act of Indian people, there would be no end of this mental torture. Then I changed myself. And only then, I started to use the same abusive language had been so long poured at me, I started to give back the same treatment I had been victimised. Since everybody can read my 'transparent' mind (everybody can see what thoughts are in my mind), I have some advantage & disadvantage also. Without shouting or uttering , I can communicate anything I like. I can retort any insult without shouting. Since I am a very tough person, they couldn't make me mad, perhaps they had plan to make me insane - if anybody would be in my situation, I am sure he or she would go mad. As an Indian poet had said - Those who have poison your life, snatch the joy from your life, have you ever forgave them and love them? Yes, I can't also forgive them.
Now the situation here is somewhat under my 'control'. People started to fear me. Because they know if they utter a word against me, I won't spare them - I will also pour the same insult in return.
In October 1994, I shifted to a flat from my house where I lived so long along with my sister because of torture of one of my brothers. In the first one year in that flat, I lived there very happily because very few people took possession. After one year, the environment changed. But misfortune never allows me to live in peace. Here also I got the same surrounding of uncultured people. Here also I keep the windows of my flat shut because of other residents of this housing complex. Now from morning to evening, the residents and their children throws insulting remarks at me, targeting my windows. I must ask myself 'why', but won't know the reason.
One credit I can give these people. Previously I rarely speak with anybody - now I have become very talkative (mentally!) by constant provocation. Thanks to them for making a dump weak minded person like me into a bold confident outspoken person. What a transformation! But all these enmities, insult had done a lot of harm - this has caused some sort of mental scar and these also have tought me to hate the whole community. I lost faith in human beings. Now I dislike any public association - I avoid to go to anywhere. I am happy now because I am alone.
When I walk the garbage filled, unrepaired broken narrow roads of Calcutta (most of the roads in Calcutta are like these), I curse myself why I was born in Calcutta! I laugh to myself when I see if any celebrity (minister or any delegate from foreign) from out of India comes to this city, the civic authority overnight removes the garbage, clean the street and remove the hawkers, 'footpath market' . Normally in Calcutta, footpaths are for 'sellers' of various things starting from the fish to vegetables, not for pedestrians. I am so accustomed with the broken garbage filled roads, now I don't react. It has now become part of our lives. Days after days this is going on, but if any celebraty comes here, by the magic touch the city becomes 'beautiful' within one day! Why the foreign celebrities don't come everyday?
I also laugh at the hypocrisy of Indian ministers, administrators, our rulers. These people come to the 'power' by 'majority's vote'. Among these majority rich-poor, literate-illiterate, fool-clever are included. Some people even have no capacity to earn a decent living for them. How can these people get the power of electing leaders who will act as the rulers of this country? How can these illeterate, imprudent people be able to exercise their right purdently to elect a minister? In India, most of these poor people's votes are being purchased by various political parties and thus they get so called 'majority'(!). I don't think in a country like India, democracy is suitable - they need a good dictator preferbaly a military rule is suitable for India. After getting the 'power' these ministers bcome busy in increasing their bank balance, property instead of 'serving' people. Their friends, relatives, party workers continue to get 'favour'. They undergo expensive treatment at foreign countries, they undertake various foreign tour with their relatives at the Government's expenses. How long this will continue to go on? Unless this 'vote system' is stopped, this will continue to happen - corruption, exploitation, scam. Todays political situation has become a laughing matter to me. India has become a truly 'democratic' country in true sense (laugh) - so many leaders, so many paths, so many opinions, so many religions that a hotchpotch situation has arised. Which way this country should go?
Every people around me heave a deep sigh seeing me - why I don't know. In my present service, I am in constant pressure from fellow employees. I am tired of listening the same type of dialogues everyday from fellow employees. Almost everyday they expressed their frustration by saying "Oh, how long this office will be continued like this", as if they are waiting for me to close down the office. I myself don't know how long I have to continue with them. I have been working with them for more that 12 years and for this long 12 years, I have been thrown more vulgar remarks from them that I can't even utter. I am also totally frustrated now. I am in a hopeless situation . Now I even become nervous of meeting anybody - just I have been doing my routine job - that's enough. I have not any great work now yet in life. But I have not done anything harmful which can cause suffering anybody. I am an honest simple minded kind hearted person. Still I get only abuse wherever I go. I am not believer in any religion - I believe in good or bad. I judge persons by their activity not by their religion or anything else. I had to do lot of hardship in life. My life is a very ordinary one - from morning to evening office, rest of the time at home. Even today I have to go to that office where I have been constantly enduring so much insult (I won't be able to fulfil their expectation!) for the sake of 'money'. Sometimes I feel so much mental depression. Once a person told me "You are going to be queen". I didn't understand the meaning. I don't have any kingdom (queendom!), I don't live in any palace - I walk among public - I travel in public buses or trams just like any ordinary people. But one thing I feel from rich to poor - people from all sections, from outside India follow me! What do they want out of me? Though I have some queen like mannerisms - I am short tempered, fastidious, impatient - I act whimsically. I don't live in plenty - I can't afford to spend much because of limited financial recources. Yes, I am not a queen. I can't even dream of being one. I have nothing to get out of this 'planet'. I have nothing to give to this 'planet'. But I have to survive. I will only think and thing and think - can my thoughts shake this planet?
The most funny thing is these people call me 'mad'. The same people who has been making my life miserable by throwing abusive, nasty, insulting remarks! How shameless these people are! I hate their whole community - even their children. Who will compensate for all the mental scar they have caused? Now seeing these people, I can't control my anger. I only know the mental agony I feel. I don't know whether there is any existence of GOD or any super power, I pray these people should be punished brutally, I WON'T FORGIVE THEM. I would like to go out of India. I want to go somewhere far off from these horrible nightmarish people seeing whom I shiver. But I am helpless because I don't have enough money. I know I have to tolerate all these insults days after days till my death.
If you happen to be curious, a picture of mine..For any comment on this page, please E-Mail me at : rmukherjee@hotmail.com
Perhaps some of you have seen this statue. Guess
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Stranger
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This is Ruby from Calcutta
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A Rainy day in Calcutta
: A funny situation in a rainy day in Cacutta.
